Its been awhile

Have you ever had that moment, when you stop to think "what the heck am I doing???" You know, when you were young and dreamt of such wild aspirations, and then decades later look back and realize you are no closer at reaching those goals than you were when you were dreaming of them. But I realized the only person holding you back is yourself. Because, if you really want something you try and sacrifice until you get it. Its my dream, not anyone else, why should someone else be accountable to help me reach it. What is holding so many people back. Is it the fear of failing, a lack of confidence in self. Or perhaps, do we find comfort in unhappiness/incompleteness, because we are so used to it, that its scary to try something different. It's easier to say "if only" than to do say "i did it" because we don't have to give up anything. Well I had that moment today and it stopped me. I am the only one holding myself back, I refuse to blame anyone else, and I will take responsibility for myself. I won't tell you what my dream is now, because one day it won't be a dream, it will be my life.

Pulling up the past

I found this document I wrote back in 2006. It is interesting to see what I was thinking then, maybe you will find it interesting too...


Reflections
As I sit and reflect over my life, a short collection of years compared to most. I feel older than my years, many reasons give way to this thought. The most prominent is perhaps the numerous stupid things and sins I feel I have committed. And yet even now, I am forgiven, those things are erased. I am left with the consequences, haunted by the actions I conceived and carried out. Within me, I cannot forget, as hard as I try to ignore and deny. Nevertheless, I have realized that I can learn from my mistakes, as I’m sure we have all heard from the older and wiser generation. I sit and laugh though, at such a simple sentence with such weight and difficulty. We cannot learn unless we are looking and open to change, often times we are not. We wallow in our doubt, our regrets, that we cannot look ahead to see the good that God can do through the situation.
Letting go, two words that make me cringe, leaving me with so much to do. I struggle with forgiving, moving on, letting go, with things I do not wish to forget. Bitterness can so easily regenerate, leaving less and less room for joy. I know what I must do, and yet I wait for the right time, as though it would be in the distant future rather than now. My pathetic attempts to rationalize my actions or my lack of actions, only complicates the situation.
If I do not forgive others and apologize, why would God do such for me? Why do I believe that passivity will bring about results? Because it is easier, we all know that. That is why there is so much fighting, anger and bitterness brewing, never finding rest. We are too lazy, too careless to make a change, to be the first to forgive.
All these advices I give, yet fail to observe myself. I still have so much to learn. I need to forgive and be forgiven. It is keeping my from being happy, from serving God. From keeping me from knowing who God is.
The blood of my Savior, has cleansed me from all of this, I am a new person. More than anything I desire of the love of God to overflow out of me. I want Christ to be seen in me, my identity securely resting in His truth. And though through this reflection, my hope is renewed in the one who paid the ultimate sacrifice. If He gave up everything for me, surely I should do the same thing for Him.

I got lost in thought...

I have seen death in its cruelest form and witnessed life take its first breath. With each struggled gasp to breath, your soul dangles between this life and the next, and in a moment it slips from the earth. People struggle their whole life to make a name for themselves only to be forgotten with their last breath. What legacy if any will you leave? Will you simply slip from the earth without a trace. Or perhaps will your good judgment and wise choices influence the lives of others. Will your love leave a lasting impression. Will your life be a splash of colour in the greying values of the world, or will you fade into the scenery, never standing out.

Without even small dreams, you cast aside hope without thought.

Time

I lost myself for a moment, and awoke to find the world moving on before me. Left behind in the maddening chaos, trying to figure out what all I missed. I seemingly lost control, and futilely sought to restore the pieces. And after I put the puzzle together, it was not the same picture as it once was. As you see, life never remains the same, you can’t change the past nor manipulate the future. It unfolds in each moment. Unpredictable in its course. These event unravel before my very eyes, I can't comprehend the speed of life. In a blink its gone, and I am afraid to miss its meaning. I stand wide eyed before the world, taking in the beauty. Each moment never the same, and each breathe never regained. The speed of life, moving on before us, each seeing merely a glimpse of its art, before its time to close our eyes.


Don’t pin me in a corner and expect me to be happy. I am a free spirit, my soul cannot be tamed. Let me spread my wings and fly, let me choose my own path. I will make more mistakes and new discoveries. Don’t squelch my heart, it must be set free. My life is my own. My heart belongs to God. And my future is unknown. I tried to suppress my feelings, but that is not who I am.

I am who I am, and I know what I want. I am ready for the future. I am ready for now. It's time to wake up. It's time to live. It's time to be happy.

set free

Heartbreak leads to inspiration, but it's what you make of it that can change your life.

Out of this hurt came new life. Sins once darkened, now washed to white. Forgiveness leads to blessing. Tears changed to innocent laughter. This once broken heart made whole again and joy has returned. Forgiveness brought life from death and set me free. It has renewed my hope and challenged me to be someone better. It took me losing something important to realize what is really precious and WHO really matters. In God I have found blessing and contentment. These battle scars are merely reminders of how far I have come.

This may hurt...

We are a faithless generation.

Fumbling through life without any goals, living for the moment without vision, and chasing after temporary gains. I too am guilty of this. It's all too easy to be swept away by the savory desires of the world. But really what are we doing? Leaving God out of the picture for our future. Our focus is on everything BUT God, and we are left standing there wondering what to do. In this subtle decay, our words have lost value, the truth has been watered down and is barely recognizable. Constantly skeptical of who tells the truth, who you can believe, who to trust. We have lost faith in God, lost faith in others, and lost faith in ourselves. We cut ourselves down for what we are worth. We don't give people credit for hard work. And we don't live in faithful submission to God. How much would the world be different if we put God first? Surely, we wouldn't have all the problems we have now. It's not to late for me and you, to get it right. Sit and reflect on all the things you do, what is your motives? Are you following God's voice or simply doing whatever feels right at the moment? I grieve the lost of my childlike faith. But here I am, facing the world with all my hurts and scars, looking for purpose and straining to hear God's voice amidst the noisy chaos of the world. Where are you standing? Are you lost in the world? Are you living out your faith?

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:2-3

Grace

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I can't count how many times in my life, when I go through hard times and trials, that I rely solely on my own strength. Trying to so how make the situation better or resolve the issues presented, instead of relying on God's grace. How often do I forget to ask, accept and acknowledge God's grace in the situations that I can't overcome. Instead I slowly sink to the bottom, fighting with my own strength. And I wonder why it fails and why life isn't fair, why is feel so disappointed and tired. It's really rather simple, yet I have such a hard time giving it over to God. Then, in the end I have become weaker in my own strength, and the situation doesn't bring glory to God. It's time to learn another lesson. Grow up. Give it to God. Leave it alone. God's grace covers it. You can't change time, life is hard, God's grace gets you through.