Pulling up the past

I found this document I wrote back in 2006. It is interesting to see what I was thinking then, maybe you will find it interesting too...


Reflections
As I sit and reflect over my life, a short collection of years compared to most. I feel older than my years, many reasons give way to this thought. The most prominent is perhaps the numerous stupid things and sins I feel I have committed. And yet even now, I am forgiven, those things are erased. I am left with the consequences, haunted by the actions I conceived and carried out. Within me, I cannot forget, as hard as I try to ignore and deny. Nevertheless, I have realized that I can learn from my mistakes, as I’m sure we have all heard from the older and wiser generation. I sit and laugh though, at such a simple sentence with such weight and difficulty. We cannot learn unless we are looking and open to change, often times we are not. We wallow in our doubt, our regrets, that we cannot look ahead to see the good that God can do through the situation.
Letting go, two words that make me cringe, leaving me with so much to do. I struggle with forgiving, moving on, letting go, with things I do not wish to forget. Bitterness can so easily regenerate, leaving less and less room for joy. I know what I must do, and yet I wait for the right time, as though it would be in the distant future rather than now. My pathetic attempts to rationalize my actions or my lack of actions, only complicates the situation.
If I do not forgive others and apologize, why would God do such for me? Why do I believe that passivity will bring about results? Because it is easier, we all know that. That is why there is so much fighting, anger and bitterness brewing, never finding rest. We are too lazy, too careless to make a change, to be the first to forgive.
All these advices I give, yet fail to observe myself. I still have so much to learn. I need to forgive and be forgiven. It is keeping my from being happy, from serving God. From keeping me from knowing who God is.
The blood of my Savior, has cleansed me from all of this, I am a new person. More than anything I desire of the love of God to overflow out of me. I want Christ to be seen in me, my identity securely resting in His truth. And though through this reflection, my hope is renewed in the one who paid the ultimate sacrifice. If He gave up everything for me, surely I should do the same thing for Him.

I got lost in thought...

I have seen death in its cruelest form and witnessed life take its first breath. With each struggled gasp to breath, your soul dangles between this life and the next, and in a moment it slips from the earth. People struggle their whole life to make a name for themselves only to be forgotten with their last breath. What legacy if any will you leave? Will you simply slip from the earth without a trace. Or perhaps will your good judgment and wise choices influence the lives of others. Will your love leave a lasting impression. Will your life be a splash of colour in the greying values of the world, or will you fade into the scenery, never standing out.

Without even small dreams, you cast aside hope without thought.

Time

I lost myself for a moment, and awoke to find the world moving on before me. Left behind in the maddening chaos, trying to figure out what all I missed. I seemingly lost control, and futilely sought to restore the pieces. And after I put the puzzle together, it was not the same picture as it once was. As you see, life never remains the same, you can’t change the past nor manipulate the future. It unfolds in each moment. Unpredictable in its course. These event unravel before my very eyes, I can't comprehend the speed of life. In a blink its gone, and I am afraid to miss its meaning. I stand wide eyed before the world, taking in the beauty. Each moment never the same, and each breathe never regained. The speed of life, moving on before us, each seeing merely a glimpse of its art, before its time to close our eyes.


Don’t pin me in a corner and expect me to be happy. I am a free spirit, my soul cannot be tamed. Let me spread my wings and fly, let me choose my own path. I will make more mistakes and new discoveries. Don’t squelch my heart, it must be set free. My life is my own. My heart belongs to God. And my future is unknown. I tried to suppress my feelings, but that is not who I am.

I am who I am, and I know what I want. I am ready for the future. I am ready for now. It's time to wake up. It's time to live. It's time to be happy.

set free

Heartbreak leads to inspiration, but it's what you make of it that can change your life.

Out of this hurt came new life. Sins once darkened, now washed to white. Forgiveness leads to blessing. Tears changed to innocent laughter. This once broken heart made whole again and joy has returned. Forgiveness brought life from death and set me free. It has renewed my hope and challenged me to be someone better. It took me losing something important to realize what is really precious and WHO really matters. In God I have found blessing and contentment. These battle scars are merely reminders of how far I have come.

This may hurt...

We are a faithless generation.

Fumbling through life without any goals, living for the moment without vision, and chasing after temporary gains. I too am guilty of this. It's all too easy to be swept away by the savory desires of the world. But really what are we doing? Leaving God out of the picture for our future. Our focus is on everything BUT God, and we are left standing there wondering what to do. In this subtle decay, our words have lost value, the truth has been watered down and is barely recognizable. Constantly skeptical of who tells the truth, who you can believe, who to trust. We have lost faith in God, lost faith in others, and lost faith in ourselves. We cut ourselves down for what we are worth. We don't give people credit for hard work. And we don't live in faithful submission to God. How much would the world be different if we put God first? Surely, we wouldn't have all the problems we have now. It's not to late for me and you, to get it right. Sit and reflect on all the things you do, what is your motives? Are you following God's voice or simply doing whatever feels right at the moment? I grieve the lost of my childlike faith. But here I am, facing the world with all my hurts and scars, looking for purpose and straining to hear God's voice amidst the noisy chaos of the world. Where are you standing? Are you lost in the world? Are you living out your faith?

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:2-3

Grace

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I can't count how many times in my life, when I go through hard times and trials, that I rely solely on my own strength. Trying to so how make the situation better or resolve the issues presented, instead of relying on God's grace. How often do I forget to ask, accept and acknowledge God's grace in the situations that I can't overcome. Instead I slowly sink to the bottom, fighting with my own strength. And I wonder why it fails and why life isn't fair, why is feel so disappointed and tired. It's really rather simple, yet I have such a hard time giving it over to God. Then, in the end I have become weaker in my own strength, and the situation doesn't bring glory to God. It's time to learn another lesson. Grow up. Give it to God. Leave it alone. God's grace covers it. You can't change time, life is hard, God's grace gets you through.

something new

I retired my journal today. The pages filled. I fell in love in this book, and lost it amongst its pages. It was a journey of my last three years. Hundreds of words have followed these changes. I have laughed and cried throughout the sheets of paper. It is time to close that chapter of my life. Replaced the worn and broken bound book with a new untainted one. This leather case shall carry on another legacy in my mind. Filled with thoughts and words. Poems and songs. Time will tell the words embracing these sheets. This is my life. This is my book. For no one but myself.

change...

There has been so much change going on. I hate the word 'change' now that Obama was overused it. Its lost its meaning. But anyways, I was running today and thinking about everything in my life that I didn't expect to be change over time, and yet it has. People come and go, values shaken, jobs aren't stable. The world changes. People change. I've changed. But God never does. He remains the same no matter how far we run, when we forget what we stand for. He is always right there, where He has always been. I normally don't like change, it scares me. Because with change, I may fail at the new adventure and I don't know what to expect. However, I am learning to embrace each new improvement or degradation as a way to grow. Its not always fun. It can be draining and stressful, but in the end the 'change' is positive. Its all about how you see it.

What are the things in your life, that you didn't expect them to change? What was your reaction?

Life like ocean waves, come and go as it pleases.

Never exactly the same way, but it is consistent.

Don't let your life wash away. Learn from each wave.

We are like leaves on a tree.

We grow and take shape.

Change colors with different seasons.

And when it is our time, the wind blows us into eternity.


So I found out that my mental health teacher from this semester unexpectedly passed away this weekend. She was 51. Life is short, you never know when the winds will blow.

The college called me a few weeks ago and asked me to teach this guide study gig, I meet with the teacher, make a lesson plan, and then work with the beginning nursing students. Should be interesting, at least it will keep the info fresh. I just have to balance my time, between working about 30-40 hrs at work, school, and now the new job. And trying to have a life. Thankfully the weather is starting to warm up again, gonna start running this week again, I miss it.

I am so thankful for the new opportunities that God has given me and I am excited about the future.

All you need is love..

I enjoy listening to Missy Higgins' music. One day while I was listening to her and other similar artists on Pandora (which I also like) I realized that all these songs were about love. Some kind of search for love. Songs about being in love, songs about finding love, songs about losing love. Love. Love. Love. And then I realized everyone is seeking some illusive form of love. When all they need is LOVE that has been waiting for them to receive it. I mean, I too, have been caught up in this game, when I should be focused on God's love. It was kinda depressing. All these people have been blinded, and inspiring other people to be blinded too.
I was blind, but now I see.

So wake up and see that Someone wants to show you real love. It can never be lost, won, or bought. Stop focusing on yourself. Love God. Songs of His perfect love with flow from your heart in sweet melody. Everyone has experienced that feeling of excitement, when butterflies rise in your stomach, when all you think about is that person. When you long to spend time and learn more about the other. Do you feel that way about God? When you hear His name, does it make you happy? Love is not just a feeling, it is choice. Sometimes it comes quietly, sometimes you have to fight for it. So what in your life do you love? What shouldn't you love? What you are fighting for?

"Love the Lord your God with ALL your heart, and with ALL your soul, and with ALL your mind, and with ALL strength." Mark 12:30

this moment

What I have learned about love

It is not some fiery display of passion and lust.
It is that exchanged moment when two souls unite.
When you look into their eyes, and you see your other half.
And from that moment, you can't exist without the other.
Never unequally dependent, but rather two lives travelling in one movement.
That is when true love starts.


I am not idlely waiting for you. Each step I moves me closer to you. My soul waiting for that moment to love you.

Whose eyes are you looking into? Your soulmate or your distraction?

A letter...

Dear world,
Its about time I tell you this. You can’t fool me anymore. I was blind and naïve, I didn’t realize you were subtly cutting off pieces of me. As if trying to change me from a square peg to fit into your round black hole of ideals. I gave you little pieces of me, to make you happy; but it left me hurt and misshaped. I thought that is what I wanted, but now I realize that isn't me. You can’t change me, God made me this way. All your ploys that make that round black hole appealing won’t work on me. What you offer is not what I want. I have all I need. Please take your fake ideals somewhere else. Goodbye.

Sincerely,
Katie

Be Pretty

Be Pretty

Each new season of life, brings change and new growth.

New flowers and fruit produced by your actions.

Sometimes, they are beautiful creations, and other you may want to hide.

Stop and take a look at the garden. Your life. What do you see?

Beauty, light, joy, love or dark tangled vines taking over, blocking out light?

Let God be your gardener, weed out the negative things in your life.

Make room for Him, let Him create a masterpiece. You.

Life goes on...

I have been so busy lately, haven't had time to post anything...

I was scrolling through my itunes yesterday and came across Jeremy Camp. I haven't listened to him in forever. As I was listening to the CD and doing my devos. This song struck my heart.

My desire.

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside

You want to be someone laying down your pride

You want to be someone someday

Then lay it all down before the king

You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside

You want to have virtue and purify your mind

You want to be set free today

Then lay it all down before the King

This is my desire, this is my return

This is my desire to be used by You

You want to be real, you want to be emptied inside

And I know my heart is to feel You near

And I know my life

It's to do Your will

It's to do Your will

This is my desire, this is my return

This is my desire, to be used by You

This is my desire, this is my desire

To be used by You

All my life I have seen

Where You've taken me

Beyond all I have hoped

And there's more left unseen

There's not much I can do to repay all You've done

So I give my hands to use

This is my desire, this is my return

This is my desire, to be used by You

This is my desire, this is my desire

To be used by You

Read through it, I know it seems long, but really read it. Is that your desire? Deep down inside? Is that what you crave more than anything in the world? I want to do God's will. I want to be used by Him. I've seen God's faithfulness in the past, but there is so much more yet to come. I want to be used for His glory, to spread His love. I have been set free to do His Will. It's more than just wanting something. It needs to be the very breath you breathe. Something you can't live without.

I don't want to go casually in life, I will live in the moment. I will be used by God. I look forward to the future. As unknown and uncertain as it may be. I pray it is more than all I have hoped for.

Be used too. You won't regret it.

White as snow...

I spent the majority of the day playing in the snow and eating. And I loved it! But, while I was sitting in the snow, enjoying the beautiful of the moment, I thought of God's love. God has forgiven my sins, and my heart is as white as the fluffy snow I was sitting in. All the sad and painful memories are washed away. Life hasn't turned out the way I wanted, I am so blessed that it hasn't. God's plans are more marvelous than I know. God has something extraordinary for you and me. What I had planned was nothing special. I don't know what is yet to come, but I have faith.

This is been such an interesting year so far, God has given me the strength to face the world, the courage to speak the truth, and forgiveness when I fail.

I want to be in tune with God's voice, in the midst of the loud chaos, I want to hear His voice and follow where He leads. I had felt for past few months to apologize to someone, though my friend was unaware of what I felt, I was burdened with it until I said something. I am relieved and have a clear conscious. Though, I don't know how the person took it, the truth will set you free. I had done my part, I spoke as God told me. So I am free to keep living, free to move on, free to follow God.

Do not despise the day of small beginnings....

After rainstorms comes blessings...

"If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ." 1 Pt 4:11

How many times have the words out of my mouth been hurtful and brought words of death? Too many. This verse has really convicted me. I pray that what I say will speak of God's love. God has given me strength to serve and love others, I just have to stop being so self-absorb so that I can see others in need and in pain. Lord, open my eyes so I can see the world as You do, and give me compassion to embrace it with love.

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." 1 Pt 4:12

Instead of wallowing in the painful past, face it with joy, God is revealing His glory to you. You are not alone in your struggles. I am in this place in my life for a reason, and when one trial is overcome, God gives me a new lesson. So that I can continually grow in Him and one day see His glory. Don't look at a painful trial as a negative sign, but see God's good in it. Though some may run and hide when it becomes too much. God's grace and love can get you through. Only with His grace, love and mercy, I am here today.

Though one day I will be forgotten, may God's light that shines through me never be.

During my devos this week, I came across a verse that really got me thinking. Here is the verse "Therefore I urge you to imitate me." In the context Paul is talking to the people of Corinth, telling them to watch what he does and copy him, so he can show them how to live like Christ.

So my thought is, would I want someone following me around and copying me? Would I want someone imitating my walk with God, in order to strengthen their relationship with Him. My first instinct is NO. That troubles me. I should be living my life, that I wouldn't care if people copy me, but I am not. The words out of my mouth don't always bring works of life, aren't always truth. I don't spend as much time with God as I would like. I have been doing a lot of mediating and reflecting on the things in my life that I need to change.

I want to live in such a way that others want to do as I do. I am no where close to that. When someone looks at me, I want them to see God's love. Its a big deal to have someone imitating you. Does your life reflect what you want it to? People are watching, do you like what they see? This is a great opportunity for me to continue to grow. Yay for new opportunities and chances, God's grace covers my faults.



On a side note: I have come to the realization that people who say they are still young and just want to have fun and aren't pursuing any purpose to life, are perpetually putting off responsibility to grow up. You never know how long you have on earth, so don't put off what you can do now.

No pain. No gain.

2 Corinthians 4:17 "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."

What a great promise! All the things I am learning and growing from are making me a stronger person. I am becoming more dependent on God, and realizing all the things that I had been blinded from before. I guess during the moment you can't see the big picture until you have come out the other side. I wish sometimes that I knew the future, but then where is the excitment of life and the dependency on God day in and out. God's plan is clearly better than my own, I still have hopes and dreams, but God has given me a purpose. Too many people don't know what they are supposed to be doing, they wander through life, trying everything until they become bored with it. If they would only seek God for his direction, they would find fulfillment.

There is a season for everything. Don't waste it. Enjoy each moment and look for ways to help others. I am glad that the trials and difficulties I have faced made me better and strengthened my relationship. Instead of losing myself and not knowing what I want. I found who I am and what I need. God is good. Still so much to learn...

Is it worth it?

I am frustrated. I am sick of people lying and not keeping their promises. I mean I understand if something comes up and you can't do what you said you. But if you know you wont ever do it, why lie to me and say you will? Not only are you hurting me, you are hurting yourself as well. I am just disappointed. No one is perfect, but that doesn't give you permission to act like a jerk. Anyways off my soapbox.

I am embracing the new season in my life. While it was painful to learn this lesson, I have grow so much. Thanks God for not giving up on me, like so many others have. You have given me a perfect example of real love. I learned whats worth fighting for and what is not. I learned when to give up and when to never let go. I am not the same person I used to be, and thankfully that is an improvement.

How I feel

Today was mostly a good day, had lunch with a good friend and spent some quality time together. But part of it kinda sucked. I felt oppression or perhaps depression. Some things are so hard to accepted, even when it is staring me in the face. I am tired of living in this man made hell of mine, where I am tortured by the past. I am dying to this old self, and waiting to be made new. Where hopes and dreams rest, where my heart finds peace. There is more to life than how I am living. Change is happening, and I need to embrace. Time to be proactive. Time to live. I will live without regrets. No more dwelling on the past. The past will stay where it is supposed to be. Goodbye old life.

"I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is hehind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phil 3:13-14

Just another day

Have you heard the new Carrie Underwood song 'Temporary Home'? Well I want to learn it. I found piano sheet music for it online, I just have to print off. I am also wanting to take voice lessons, because playing the piano and singing is harder than I thought.

This is definitely going to be a year of growing. This next semester will probably be my least favorite clinical rotations-mental health and labor and delivery... blah.

I am one of those people who expects to have mastered everything on the first try. Sometimes I have been successful, but more often than not, I fail. I think it really makes a person if they stick to it and try hard, so that is my goal this year. I was talking to a friend about everything I wanted to accomplish this year, and she laughed saying I had made my bucket list at such a young age. But in all honestly, its only a small list for a year. There is so much I want to achieve and do in my life, if God allows me.

This last year as taught me so much about grace. Grace to look past unexpected hurts and disappointments. Grace to face an unknown future. Grace to live in the moment.

I wonder what this year will hold for me....

Here I go

So I have been wanting to start a blog for awhile now, and have waited for the new year to start. I love writing and expressing my thoughts through words. And this happens to be a good avenue to ramble about ideas, dreams, and desires. So with that in mind. Here I go.

I am determined with all of my heart, to make this the best year ever. I am putting aside my fears, opinions of others, and that annoying sense of self-preservation. While still at starbucks today I made a list of everything I wanted to accomplish this year, things I generally would not have tried or never felt like finishing. Most of them aren't crazy ideas, merely things I have never taken the time to do.

The purpose of this is learn more about myself, my determination, and strengthen my love for God. Hopefully this blog will narrator my growth as a person, and will be a reminder to me to accomplish that which I set out to do. God has put me here for a reason, and I am determined to make the most of it. So please join me on my adventure called life.